Allow me to reiterate: we are in a full-blown crisis. Your need to get away is merely a reaction to the degeneration of our world.
Many people ask: what is hell? It is all too near to us. When we realize this, it isn’t as bad as the stories make it out to be. We conclude that all is normal. This normality is hell itself, and once you realize this, it begins to grow. All the normal things begin to gnaw away at your soul, revealing to you the true nature of our situation.
So you left your life behind for a little while at least, but you didn’t discover anything new. You traded one hell for another. Now, you may say, this is too pessimistic. I wouldn’t entirely disagree with you, but you cannot extract yourself from the world, which, in its current stage of degeneration is totalizing and seeps into every aspect of life; even a retreat; even a hermitage. This is the great mistake of religious men, ascetics, and monks. They may seek isolation deep in the woods, or in a cave, but the hell of the world will always find them.
Those who seek to retreat are merely attempting to lessen the effect of realizing the existence of hell in our day-to-day life. It’s as simple as that. In your case, you get away from your wife, children, and home. You get away from your work. You get away from all the things that drive small spikes into your flesh, etc. But you don’t really want to get away from these things, you want to get away from your reaction to them.
Our world has undoubtedly degenerated, and it continues to do so. We can rant and rail about it all we like. Nothing will change the current path.
“Pessimist! Defeatist!” The crowd chants outside my window. They drone on and on. The same retorts; the same naive objections. Their zeal is fed by their own hopelessness. Some of them are conscious of their own hopelessness while others are completely oblivious. I attempt to reach the ones that are conscious of their hopelessness. The ones who are oblivious are naturally crafted radicals ripe for social programming. At least those who are aware of the dire straights we are in will listen (at least for a couple sentences) because your words check boxes in their minds, and they cannot help but perk up at the opportunity for a possible connection.
Don’t retreat from your family and your duties in the future. This is something a married man shouldn’t do. You’ve got a lot of learning to do. I know it is cliché to say so, but I must say it nonetheless. Do not be a slave to emotional reactions. Put them in check. Play one off the other to insure mutual destruction.
We need more men who are able to hold themselves in brutal situations. As the conditions we deal with on a daily basis continue to degenerate we need to grow armour to deflect everything that seeks to destroy us. The difficulty of this task should not be overlooked. All necessary things are inherently difficult, and sometimes lead to one’s own demise. There is no point asking why this is the case. You must simply start from now on to act in accordance with this knowledge. It is a great burden, but you are able to bear it.